Kimber Page 10

  He freezes and I know I’ve pushed him too far. He straightens his arms hovering over me as he stares down into my eyes. The air between us more intimate now than a moment ago. He breaks away to stand beside the bed, back facing me as he adjusts his shorts then leaves the cabin.

  I lay here, ashamed and judged as a disappointment. I don’t even know if I can walk back up to the deck to face him. If it wasn’t my birthday, I might be able to hide out in the cabin for at least a little while before my absence became noticed. But it is my birthday and I know I only have a couple minutes to gather enough composure to put a smile on my face and get back out there. I fix my top, take the braid out of my hair and tell myself a few lies before opening the door.

  “Am I your toy?” Luke asks. His unexpected appearance on the outside of the door surprises me. “‘Cause you play with me, you know you do and I don’t have the restraint to keep pulling back. It’s driving me crazy.”

  The emotions pour from him as he stands in front of me. The pain and uncertainty on his face tears at my heart.

  “I’m so sorry Luke.” I reach for him but he steps back.

  “If you want to be with me, I have to know you feel the same way. This can’t be one sided anymore.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Do you love me?”

  I go blank. I can’t explain it. Out of sea of emotions, that one is missing. I like him, why can’t I love him?

  He turns to walk away finding an answer in my hesitation. I step forward, grabbing him by the back of his arm.

  “Luke.”

  “I need to clear my head. I need to get away from you.”

  “That’s it then. It’s over?” I ask foolishly, of course it is.

  “It won’t affect the rest of your birthday.” He says before leaving me standing in the hallway feeling utterly crushed.

  I slam the door. Confused with anger I fall onto the bed. I curse into the pillow pissed that I had allowed myself to delusively conjure benefits I’d get out of dating a friend. I burry my head in the pillow and, wishing I loved him, mourn the fact that I don’t.

  “Kimber! We’re here! Did you change yet?” Robin calls from outside the door. I’m not sure if I should respond but out of fear of everyone coming to check on me, I open the door for Robin. “Oh sweetie! What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “It might help. You look like you need a good talk.”

  “I just want to go home.” Worry strikes her face. She clearly remembers how I like to lock myself away when things are too hard for me to handle.

  “Kimber, talk to me.”

  I take a chance hoping it will relieve some of the pressure and maybe feel a little better having someone understand. I don’t replay the whole scene for Robin but explain just enough for her to understand Luke is the victim of the breakup.

  “Still Kimber, it’s your birthday. What a jerk!”

  “Birthday or not, it’s all my fault. Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want a pity party.”

  “I won’t but your swollen eyes might. I’m going to grab an ice pack. Amber said your clothes are in the drawer.” Robin points to a small dresser.

  When she returns with the ice pack to heal my swollen eyes she grabs makeup from her purse to hide the dark circles under them.

  I slip into the coral mini dress Amber also bought for me, with shoes and put my hair half up and the other half down. I give myself one last look. I may be torn on the inside but according to Robin, I’m smoking hot on the outside.

  Just as Joel and Tommy are yelling for me to hurry, Robin and I emerge from the lower cabin. The sun is just about to set. The sky is a mixture of purple and pink.

  “Welcome to Miami!” Tiffany and Amber yell out.

  “Miami.” I say wishing Luke would look at me but he doesn’t.

  Like me he appears better on the outside. He makes it off the boat first and to my surprise, or just to hold the facade of things being normal, he helps me off the boat. Once I’m on land, he releases my hand.

  We walk around the Miami strip until we find a popular restaurant to eat at. Once again, for reasons I am not sure of Luke pulls my chair out for me and takes a seat next to me.

  When I think no one is looking I whisper to him, “You don’t have to sit next to me if you don’t want to.”

  “Guess I’m a glutton for punishment.” The right side of his mouth rises in a smirk.

  Besides the awkwardness between Luke and I the rest of dinner goes great. After we pay the bill, we head out to check some of Miami’s finest nightclubs.

  My sympathy for Luke reaches its end when I spot him dancing way too close with a blond who’s hair color is as fake as her boobs. Jealously kicks in and I just can’t take it anymore. I mean really! What is this, eighth grade?

  I pull him away from his slutty new dance partner making sure to give her the nastiest look of disgust I can manage. Whether he likes it or not I lead us outside the nightclub.

  “Really Luke! What the hell! Are you that desperate to get some you have to dry hump trash on the dance floor? If you’re going to go back to old habits, a heads up would’ve been nice.”

  I want some sort of reaction. I have cried, felt guilty and all he has done is stay his great guy self until now. Then he laughs at me. He laughs hard like I have just told a joke with a hilarious punch line.

  “What?” I snap.

  “I invested everythin’ in you and ended up empty handed. I gave you parts of me I didn’t even know I had. I loved you. Did you hear that? … I loved you. You want a heads up, well considered it delivered.” Sarcasm drips from his words. I know I do not deserve to be babied but the emotional feedback I get from Luke sparks a blazing rage in me.

  “Have you gone stupid? Do you not remember what this year has been like for me? And when did there become deadlines on loving someone? All it is with you is when, when, when! I do care about you but I care about me, my well being and making me happy first far more.”

  His eyes narrow. I know I have hurt him but how deeply I do not know. I do not wonder for long. He is quick with a comeback.

  “When are you gonna let go? You can’t hide behind what happened to your mother forever! You can’t use it as an excuse for every out you need to find in life. Our dating has nothin’ to do with Marie. Our relationship should have been a way for you to move forward with me. Yet, here you are. Pulling at the past to explain the present.”

  I’m flushed and blazing with anger before he finishes speaking. I reach back and with every ounce of force I have I slap him across his face. His head jerks left from the impact. Slowly turning back to me Luke rubs his cheek, much like I rub my stinging hand.

  “Finally! A little emotion.” He says as I start to turn away but I stop. I know this is the end of our friendship. Nevertheless, I can’t turn and walk away. I’ll only wish I had said something. I spin back around on my heel.

  “You sonofabitch! You knew what she meant to me. I don’t know how I could’ve known you all this time and never saw you for what you really are. A self-absorbed jackass! I’m sorry I ever wasted my time on you.”

  “Me!” He calls out stepping closer. “You’re the one draggin’ her memory through the mud. You’re so stuck on yourself you can’t even see what’s good for you. You’re too busy lookin’ for the bad. I love you Kimber! It may not fill the hole but it’s real.”

  “I don’t need your love.” I say shaking my head as tears form in my eyes.

  “Of course you don’t. That would entail you actually leaving your masochistic shell. But even after all this, when you’re ready for somethin’ not so dark in your life, I’ll still be here.”

  “Go to Hell.” I hiss at him. His expression hardens. He says nothing more as he turns away from me and heads back inside the club.

  How many times can I be wrong about the same person? All I feel for him now is hate. I can’t believe Luke would say those things to me. I lower my head, squeeze m
y eyes shut allowing the tears to fall and quickly whip them from my cheeks. I can’t find a reason to continue to celebrate the worst birthday I have ever had. I hail a taxi and head back to the marina. Everything today was supposed to stand for has faded. The pain is back. The tears have fallen.

  Chapter Eleven

  “STUPID! FRICKIN! HEEL!”

  I’m strung so tight I could spontaneously combust at any moment. I stand here, on the poorly lit dock, the heel of my stiletto stuck in a hole, not sure this day could get any worse but positive it’ll find a way.

  “Come…on!” I wiggle and yank my shoe but it doesn’t budge. I even take a few swings at it with my other shoe.

  “Need some help?”

  I flinch but before I can turn to see my mysterious helper, he’s right there, bending down and effortlessly retrieves my shoe.

  “Thanks.”

  I take my shoe and glimpse up at him. My heart skips a few beats as he stands in front of me. He keeps his head down but even without seeing his face I’d bet he’s breathtakingly gorgeous. There’s a certain allure about him. His dirty blond hair is tousled and messy in all the right ways. He’s tall and muscular like a soccer player would be. He keeps his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

  I know some logical part of me should be afraid but I’m not. He’s the type of predator that can lure his pray, easily. I’m not sure what’s suppose to happen next but I don’t move or attempt to.

  “Are you from around here?” Ugh, my mouth is vomiting lameness?

  He shakes his head in response.

  “Vacation?”

  He shakes his head again.

  Ok, this is going nowhere fast. I look, I mean really look at him this time. His face he hides but his body is ridged, as if with every second he has to keep himself in check. It’s freaky.

  “Ok, well, thanks for my shoe.” I say turning to walk away. I make a mental note to scold myself later.

  “Wait.” He calls out.

  What the hell is wrong with me? I ask myself as my feet stop and I stand still. Am I that desperate to be noticed or possibly slaughtered?

  “Will you come with me?” He asks validating my suspicion.

  “I can’t…my friends.” I shake my head. Why am I explaining this to him? I turn around to face him. He hasn’t moved an inch. His body looks anxious, but for what? “Look, thanks for savin’ my shoe but, I don’t know you, so no. Have a good night.”

  “You could, remember me…if you wanted to.”

  “What?”

  “It’s like amnesia. You just need to know where to look.” His hazel eyes flicker to mine. He’s testing me.

  “People don’t just contract amnesia.” OhmyGod. “Leo?”

  The name catches him off guard but it all makes sense. He turns and finally faces me. It feels like every step he takes towards me is in slow motion. This feels wrong, sketchy. Run! Something inside me screams. Before I can think better of it, I do.

  I pass boat after boat until they all look alike. I can’t remember a single detail of the yacht. The more I run the harder it gets to breath. Dammit! Why is there never anyone around when you need them!

  I round a corner and see my escape. I’ve reached the other end of the marina. My lungs protest and every breath is a wheezing battle.

  I wake in the lower cabin of the yacht. My knee is wrapped in an Ace bandage and aches with a tenderness. I recall feeling like I wouldn’t make it but I didn’t think I’d pass out. I dread hearing and seeing the worried faces of my friends. I can imagine I’ve just filled the ammo in their unipolar arsenal. But I don’t care. I’m just happy to be safe.

  I open the cabin door to hear, nothing. I walk up the stairs to the deck but instead of finding my friends, he’s here, sitting, waiting. My heart catches in my throat. My whole body seizes up. When he sees me, he stands. It’s obvious he’s as unsure of what to do.

  “Your knee was swelling. I hope it’s not wrapped too tight.” He motions to my left leg.

  “You did this?”

  “Aye. The second thing they teach you in soccer is how to take care of your knees.”

  “And the first?”

  “How to use your head. Literally.” He smiles at me. It’s warm and genuine. “Well, I just had to make sure you were ok.” He turns to leave.

  “Wait! Don’t go.”

  He furrows his brow. His bluish green eyes lock onto mine. The edges of his square jaw flex in and out. I wish he’d just do or say what we’re both waiting for.

  “I know who you are. You already walked out on me once. Can you really do it again?”

  He looks away, perplexed but the lack of acknowledging who I know him to be hasn’t escaped me.

  “Come with me.” He asks.

  “Where?”

  “Dinner.”

  The lighting inside the swanky urban Bistro is dim and the tables provide an intimate and private ambiance. The menu is anything but affordable. I tell him I’ve already eaten so Leo opts for the restaurant’s finest birthday dessert.

  We sit and wait in awkward silence. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. I punish myself for letting him get in my head so easily. I hate how I wish he’d just reach for my hand.

  His eyes sparkle in the light. The guilty, self-suffering look on his face makes him that much sexier. What is it about a sexy bruiting man? It’s like a wounded puppy in need of a hug. And at this moment, I’d overlook every incident to feel his skin under my own.

  He shifts uncomfortably in his chair. I feel his eyes on me when he thinks I’m not looking.

  “Why the sudden change?” I venture out into the dark abyss. I hope he won’t leave me hanging.

  “I—”

  He’s cut off by the sound of approaching birthday cheer. The song reminds me of the time Tiffany told me that in restaurants employees are encouraged to sing “Happy Birthday” to themselves twice while washing their hands to ensure the proper hand cleanliness. I remember trying it later that night. It took too long.

  I stare at the massive brownie sundae before me. Leo picks up his spoon. “Ladies first.”

  “Not ‘til you answer me.”

  “There’s no change. This is a moment of weakness.”

  I sigh and lean back in my chair. “Then why don’t you just go.”

  “I don’t seem to be able to.”

  “Are you always this complicated?”

  “Lena told me you went to her. She told me what she said to you. I had to see for myself.”

  “What, my eyes? Take a good look, they’re still mine.”

  “I’ve also never missed your birthday.”

  “Spare me. I don’t remember a single thing about you. Yet I can’t explain why I feel all charged up around you. I’ve had all I can take in one night. I just wanna go home.”

  “I’ll take you.”

  “Yeah, leave my friends behind and hitch a ride with a total stranger?”

  “There’s a freckle that looks like a heart on your left shoulder.” He places his elbows on the table and leans in closer. “Your middle name is Marie. At summer camp you came in second place in the foosball competition. Your favorite band is Paramore. You do this sexy little nose wrinkle thing every time you sneeze. I could go on all night.”

  I look at him across the table. There’s a sense of déjà vu there. Like my body remembers him. How it feels to touch him, kiss him. No! I can’t give myself away. I can’t feel like that just to lose out again. Besides, what Leo did is unforgiveable and I’m sure whatever reason he has for leaving is even worse.

  “Don’t expect something from me I can’t give. I’m not the girl you left behind. I can’t love you.”

  “I just want to take you home.” He tries to hide the emotion caused by what I’ve said. He does a good job of it.

  “Alright.” I could fight it all I want but it’s inevitable.

  Chapter Twelve

  LEO’S TRUCK IS massive and mean looking. It’s some sort of Ford Super Duty. It
makes me feel safe and untouchable. It sits up so high that I can see at least four car lengths ahead.

  Before leaving Miami I went back to the yacht and left a note for Amber. I expect tomorrow I’ll get a not so nice phone call from her. I deserve it. Though staying and facing Luke after what happened just wasn’t an option. I don’t know how or if we’ll ever be able to patch things up but tonight it wasn’t going to happen.

  Had there been another option other than riding back with Leo I would have taken it. I hate the uncomfortable awkwardness. It’s anxious uneasiness. Like every word has to be carefully considered. Body movement is analyzed for hidden codes. And while I drive yourself crazy, on the outside I hope to appear less than concerned.

  With Leo, I don’t even know where to start. He has every answer I need but none I want to hear. I can’t be the girl he knows, so I see no reason in asking. I do wonder if my heart always skipped this way when he was around. If we laughed together and if so what was it like? Did we share inside jokes only the two of us knew. Would he hold my hand just because he wanted to? I imagine the answers and long to be the person I should be. A person who could be happy with him. Someone who hadn’t experience a heart stealing loss.

  When my mother was murdered, I lost more than myself. I lost my purpose. I had been so kind and giving. I was positive and polite. I was always the first to fix a bad situation. I’d spent eighteen years kissing ass and getting walked on in the process. The sad thing is I didn’t care. I was happy. And at the end of each day I thanked God for everything I had. The one and only time I need a complete stranger to show the kind of compassion and mercy I’d spent years giving, the exact moment karma is designed for, there was nothing. Every good deed had gone unpaid.

  I realize now that bad things are designed for good people. Horrible, mean people are the only ones who get what they want because they take it. If my mother’s death taught me anything, it’s that I’d been playing on the wrong side my whole life. I should have been the rich snotty bitch who didn’t give a care about anyone.

  “You away with the fairies over there?” Leo asks with that Aussie-ish accent.