Kimber Read online

  “This is ridiculous!” Luke says angrily. His voice unmasks what little patience he has left.

  From somewhere inside I get a surge of strength. I jump from the cradle hold Luke’s arms have on me. I fight the vertigo and turn to see Luke shocked by my defiance.

  “Please, just, give me a second! Then I’ll go to the hospital.”

  “What are you doing? Let him take you.”

  I turn around to the sound of Mike’s voice. I have little time to get the answer I desire. I feel my body betraying me as a sudden tiredness washes over me. I get straight to the point.

  “You know him Mike. I just need a name.”

  “Who, Kimber?” He asks in a way that suggests I should be the one giving the answers. For a second it throws me off.

  I breathe in deep and start again. “When you came to my birthday party, who did you come with?”

  “Party?”

  Why is he prolonging this? Why can’t he just answer me?

  “Who? Who brought you to the party?” I ask again grabbing hold of Mike to steady the dizziness.

  As I look into his emerald green eyes, I’m sure I’ve started to hallucinate. For the briefest moment, an evil smile flashes as fast as it fades from across his mouth as he looks from Luke back to me. He takes me in his arms, supporting my body.

  “His name, is Leo.” He whispers against my ear.

  “That’s enough!” And just like that, I’m back in Luke’s arms and out the door.

  Tommy drives Luke, Amber and I to the hospital downtown. Luke takes his white polo shirt off to use in applying pressure to my head. I try to protest, knowing the shirt will be ruined, but he doesn’t listen.

  I pass out on Luke’s lap before I can feel Tommy make the first turn off his block.

  Chapter Six

  I OPEN MY eyes to discover I am in my bedroom. I have no recollection of arriving home last night but I am more than grateful to be here. God only knows how awkward and embarrassed I would be if I had ended up at Tommy’s or worse, Luke’s. There is no way I can face him, at least not until I have had time to figure things out for myself.

  I make the mistake of touching my head. With a sharp breath through clenched teeth, I wince in pain as my hand sweeps across a gauze bandage covering the right side of my forehead. I kick myself free of the sheets and take several unbalanced steps to my mirror. Dried blood knots my hair, covers my chest, shoulder and a good part of the dress I am still wearing from last night. I take a deep breath and peel back the bandage. Six stitches hold a two-inch wide gash closed. My forehead looks like something a kindergartner painted. I’m a swollen color collage of maroon, green and black.

  Smelly and utterly grossed out, I start the shower. As my blood turns the water red I replay last night repeatedly in my mind. What is it about the name Leo? Should I know it? Should it roll this effortlessly off my tongue? Should it possess a part of me I feel is foreign? Should a name feel like a breath? Because it does. And though I know my sanity over it all should be questioned, this figure, this Leo, is the only momentum I have propelling me forward. Only when I think of him do I forget the cold touch of reality. And now this name has become more significant than my own.

  When the water runs clear, I step out of the shower and dress in sweat pants and an old high school football shirt. As I make my way downstairs, I’m surprised to hear voices coming from the kitchen. I walk in to find Luke and Amber sitting at the table whispering.

  “Mornin’.” Luke stands the second he sees me, masking worry with a forced smile.

  “What are you guys doing here?”

  “We stayed over last night. We didn’t want you to be alone, just in case.” Amber replies.

  From the look of her red rimmed, dark circled eyes, I know she has not slept.

  “In case what?” I ask but they both stand there looking baffled, waiting for the other to answer.

  “Where’s your bandage?” He deliberately sidesteps my question. I can’t figure out why but something’s up.

  “I took it off to shower.” I say brushing loose strands of hair from around the wound.

  “Oh. I’ll get another.” Amber hurries past us, taking the stairs two at a time. I know the girl well enough to tell she is avoiding me.

  “Does it hurt?” Luke asks eyeing my forehead. He steps closer to me.

  “A little.”

  “Here, this might help. The doctor said some Tylenol would take care of the pain.”

  Moving to the kitchen island Luke pulls a bottle of Tylenol from a white plastic bag. I walk over to him as he grabs another bottle off the counter. This one is a prescription with my name on it. Luke takes two small blue pills out and hands them to me along with the Tylenol. He turns to the fridge grabbing a bottle of water and places it in front of me.

  “What’s this?” I can’t remember the last time I had a prescription. I had my tonsils removed when I was four. My mother said it was the reason I rarely got sick.

  Luke takes a moment and from his creased brow and clenched jaw, I’d say he’s picking his words carefully. “What you’ve been through, it’s had an effect. The doc thinks it’s unipolar depression.” He says with a calm but direct demeanor.

  It’s like I’ve been removed and from the sidelines I’m helpless as Luke beats me down. I’m flabbergasted. There’s no way he really just said that, I assure myself. I’ve grieved in my own way, sure. Depressed to the point where I deserve a label and medication is required, hardly!

  “Are you serious?” I work to control my voice, biting my tongue to keep it in check. “I don’t know what unipolar depression is or who you are to think you can just feed me pills. Yes, I’m sad and maybe this is all lasting longer than even I’d like, but give me some credit. I’m dealing the best way I can. It’s not like I have a guide book for this”

  He moves around the island to me and places his hands on my shoulders. I shrug them off.

  “I know you’re pissed, but there’s no shame in takin’ help before you have to ask? No one’s judgein’ you. What’s been goin’ on with you isn’t normal. Don’t try to sell me on it.”

  I back away aggravated. “Luke, I am not depressed!” I reiterate louder. “I’m not taking pills either!”

  The tension between us is suffocating it’s so thick. I hate that he can look at me and see something that does not exist. Even more, I hate that something inside me refuses to tell him my secret. I can’t see past him to the Luke I thought I knew. I can’t imagine my Luke jumping to such conclusions or doing what he promised no one would do, judge me.

  “Ok, I’ve got one.” Amber comes into the kitchen, breaking the silence between Luke and I.

  “Do you know about these?” I ask accusingly, having already decided she is just as guilty. I hold my hand out so she can see the two little blue pills. She looks nervously at Luke. Maybe she expected him to have deflected the situation by now.

  “They’ll help; we’ll help.”

  “So you agree with him. I can’t believe this, you’re both insane!” I’m enraged and beyond betrayed.

  “What did you want us to do? This is serious stuff. We can’t sit back and close our eyes.” Amber says in self-defense.

  “I don’t even know what you’re talking about! Your idea of help is comical. This is a sick joke! You’re both delusional.”

  “Why can’t you—” Amber starts but I cut her off.

  “Enlighten me. How did you manage this? How did you manage to get me so accurately diagnosed?” I feel hot all over and tremble with anger.

  “We told him.”

  “You told him? Can you even begin to fathom the way this makes me feel. I’d never… I can’t even…” I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes closed, refusing to let the tears out.

  “Then explain why you smashed your bathroom mirror and were seeing things that weren’t there at the Pier. Why you passed out at Tommy’s and then went on to have no sense of how seriously you were hurt. Why you fought with Luke and Tommy j
ust to ask Mike about a boy at a birthday party that happened five years ago. Something is wrong Kimber! You’re delusional if you can’t see that!”

  I can see how it all looks from Amber’s point but it doesn’t justify not coming to me first as a friend. I hate how they stand in front of me, united against me, afraid for and of me. I shake with anger and blink past the tears pooled in my eyes. Like a wounded dog, defenseless and cornered I lash out.

  “You call this help but all you’ve done is portrayed me as something I never wanted to be. And just because there is a part of me you’ll never understand doesn’t mean that I’m sick. God, I lost my mother, am I not entitled to freaking out whenever the hell I want? Oh, no, I almost forgot, it’s too inconvenient for you both. Let’s all just pop some fricken pills and be happy, right? Because pretending to be someone’s friend is a lot easier than actually putting the work in.”

  “That’s not fair Kimber.” Luke says still trying to justify their actions.

  “Fair!” I turn directly to Luke. “Was it fair that while I lay unconscious you filled the doctor with second hand speculation? This shit will permanently be in my medical record, what don’t you get about that?”

  “That wasn’t our intent.” He closes his eyes to keep from looking at me. “I know who you are and I won’t apologize for carin’ about you. You’ve been lyin’ to us, we had a right to worry.”

  “OhmyGod!” I yell lacing my hands behind my head before dropping them back down to my side. “You’re not even trying to understand! Just get out, both of you, leave.”

  “Kimber!” Luke starts to protest.

  “No! I don’t want to do this. I can’t do this. You and me, it was a mistake.”

  The words cling to my throat, nearly choking me as they come out. In retrospect, it isn’t Luke I really wanted to let go of. It’s the perception of the person they see me becoming. No sooner have I turned my back to Luke does he slam his hand against the island counter top. The noise startles me. I turn back around just as Luke takes me by the arms. His eyes search mine, looking for my reason.

  “Tell me what you want? You want to hear that I’m sorry, ‘cause I am. I screwed everything up. Amber and I might care too much but at least we give a shit. Yet you’ll bleed and lie to hear the name of someone who doesn’t give a shit about you. I’ll be damned if you shut me out because of this.”

  It’s something in his conviction, something in the way he speaks of Leo and slight sly way his lip curls. Oh my God, he’s jealous. “I can’t believe I didn’t see this. All this is about for you is Leo.”

  For a split second his face betrays him and I see the truth. It’s like a two-way mirror. Now I know what is on the other side. The changes in their personalities, the realization that I don’t really know the people I thought I knew, make my stomach turn and my heart sink.

  The truth revealed, Luke releases me and storms out the back door. I hadn’t realized how tight his grip actually was. I’m certain I will have bruises by dinner time.

  “Are you ok?” I nod to Amber.

  “I think you should go.”

  “I’m sorry for what you view as wrong. I love you Kimber, I’d die before I’d ever hurt you. You know that. The doctor asked questions and maybe we said too much but we’re concerned. The doctor said that everythin’ goin’ on was probably your way of crying out for help. I can’t describe how awful that made me feel. Some best friend I am. I should have been there for you more; instead I just let you down.” Amber wipes a tear from her cheek.

  The X chromosome is Mother Nature’s secret weapon. It makes us girls prone to an involuntary reaction. This reaction is triggered by, but not limited to, puppies, boy bands, romantic comedies, flowers, and the wrong kind of boys with type A personalities. Any of these things have one of two automatic responses. Complete loss of reality or Niagara Falls type crying.

  Looking at my best friend, seeing her broken and holding unwarranted guilt, makes me cry before I even know it. I can count on one hand the number of fights Amber and I have had. We are the mirrored opposite of each other, but inside she’s my soul sister. Even though I can’t say I would have done the same, I can say that when it comes to me, her intentions were genuine. With tears now rolling down both our faces, I throw my arms around her and squeeze tight.

  “I’m so sorry Kimber.” She sobs.

  “Shhh. I know you’d stop at nothing for me. I will always come to you, like I always have, whenever I have a problem. I promise. You’ll never let me down.”

  “Still besties?”

  I hold her at arms length, “‘Til the end of time.”

  Having cried out our differences, Amber and I make amends. We put our fight behind us and schedule a much needed night of good old fashion girl bonding. As Amber leaves, she asks one thing of me. “Give Luke a break. He really cares about you.”

  I have no idea how to face Luke. The score between us is even. I wish I knew why he felt threatened by Leo’s name. Why he wouldn’t want me to know it. What worries me more is the growing way Leo’s name attaches itself to me. The way my heart flutters and my skin vibrates with just the thought of his shadowed figure.

  I look to the patio door trying to decide if I should go to Luke or wait until he has cooled off enough and comes back inside. I sit on the couch and try contemplating how this will go. Whether or not he will understand anything I say or if I should say anything at all. Clearly Luke has more to explain. Like why the mention of Leo sets him off.

  The french doors creak open as Luke comes inside. He walks over to the couch where I sit. He struggles to compose the thoughts that race inside his head. When he finally sits, I feel the small distance between us grow as if we are on different sides of the world. Nervously I fidget with my hands. I’m unable to look at him. My ears hum from the silence surrounding us.

  I take a deep breath and open my mouth to speak, unsure of where or how to start. Thankfully Luke beats me to it. He tries to hide the pain and hurt as our eyes meet but I see it. It’s all over his face.

  “I haven’t been honest with you. I know Leo. In fact he was my best friend.” He pauses, chewing his lower lip. “It would have been us together all this time if I had spoken up sooner. Once Leo was out of the picture, I knew it was my time to tell you how I felt and see if you felt the same.”

  “What are you saying? Leo and I—”

  “Dated.”

  I lean back against the couch, confused as to how I wouldn’t remember a man, who just by his name, I feel connected to.

  “I don’t understand why you find it so important to remind yourself of him. Think about it Kimber. If Leo really cared, loved you, wanted you, the way I do he’d be here, but he isn’t. I’m sure of us Kimber.” Luke reaches out to take my hand but I pull back.

  “All this time, you knew.”

  “No, you never talked about him. How was I supposed to know?

  “It doesn’t make sense. Why can’t I remember any of it? How do you remember him but I can’t?”

  “I don’t know. The doctor said that tragedy combined with the type of stress you’ve been under can do odd things to someone’s psyche. It’s the best explanation I can give you.” He reaches again for my hand. This time I let him take it. “I don’t know what it is you think the two of you had but it was awhile ago and you guys were young. It couldn’t’ve been anythin’ like what we have.”

  Even now, knowing this doesn’t help the pieces come together. It doesn’t feel right.

  “Nothing and nobody can take me from you. I can understand if you have some kind of lingering feelin’ for Leo that you’re not sure of but I’m the one that’s here. You don’t need someone who could come and go so easily. You need stability. I’m the one who will fight for you and not let you go. Doesn’t that mean anythin’ to you?”

  “Of course it does.” I say looking deep into his baby blue eyes.

  In the back of my head, I’m panicking. Part of me wants to know everything I can get from Luke abo
ut Leo. The rest of me, well the rest of me is curled into a ball afraid that what they say will come true. Post traumatic stress, memory loss, unipolar depression. I might as well have amnesia because I have no idea how I came to be here. With no other way to gain the answers I seek, I come clean.

  “I think I’ve been seeing him. Not physically. In my dreams, awake even. I saw him at the Pier and again at Tommy’s. I’m clueless though. I don’t know why this is happening to me. I’m in a constant state of feeling like I’ve forgotten something, which now I know I obviously have.” I pause hating the fact that I’m hurting Luke more. “The only way I can figure it is that he’s connected to me. I can’t remember a single second with him but now that I know, I don’t feel like there’s something in me missing anymore.”

  I search Luke’s face waiting for a reaction. He keeps his gaze away from mine as he rubs his hands up and down his thighs. I wish I had the words to comfort him. I don’t know what to say to ease the pain I see I’m causing him. Listening to your girlfriend babble on about another guy can’t be anything close to easy.

  “This whole thing is stupid.” He says as he stands and starts to pace the room. “I mean, you just want to throw away somethin’ that can be real when Leo doesn’t even want you. I’d give anything for you. Don’t break my heart over a person you don’t even remember and feelings that only exist in your mind.”

  His words crush me inside. I want to defy what he says about Leo but really, how can I. He’s right. Leo isn’t here. I have no real proof to uphold the way I feel. Maybe this whole thing is twisted. Misdirected. Like me feeling this way for Leo isn’t actually what is. Maybe my soul seeks comfort in a time where it wasn’t tormented with darkness. Yeah, that makes sense. Leo’s obviously the last person I loved, shared a deep emotional connection with. But why would my mind seclude a connection that’s done nothing but haunt me?

  I go to Luke and take his hands in mine. “Hurting you isn’t something I want but being honest with you means being honest with myself. I never want to lie to you. I just… it’s so much, you know. I’m sorry I’ve been a real crappy girlfriend to you.” I search his eyes to know he understands